Talking with an ex, well half ex. (not to be confused with P.B)

I went through a phase. It was last september. When this bad thing happened with my mates. I won't get into that now, thats something that will take a long time to explain. So maybe another day. But basically I was left on my own. Completely. I mean I wasn't alone, I go to a school with nearly 2000 other people, so no I was not alone. But sometimes well you know how it is, you can be in a crowded room, bursting with people laughing and talking the whole night away. But they may aswell not be there. Because you are the only one in the room. Thats what it feels like anyway. I am a shy person, very shy person. And I found it hard making new friends after what happened with my old ones. And I still don't think I truelly have. But when it first happened, in September, the whole not having anyone, got to me. Big time. I felt insignificant. Like no one cared that I was walking the school hallways alone. And I guess thats how it all started. It was November time. You see two months of noone noticing you, affects everything. Your confidence, and how you feel about yourself. So I really wanted someone to make me feel special. But I had little or shall we say no confidence, to go up and meet that person in school. So it started on msn. Its not real life, I guess. Typing to someone does not need confidence. At all. You can just take your time, and you're comfortable in your own home. So it started with guys, guys that I hadn't met before. And I met them through various chatrooms, or websites. And it was easier to talk to them not only because it wasn't face to face, but also because I didn't know them, and they didn't know my situation. And thats how it all started. I loved the attention they were giving me. See I'd be in school, and be almost abandoned. And then to come home, and have these people interested in me. Well it helped. And it did just start off as talking but then they wanted more. And because I felt like they made me special, which was something I had been longing for, after the whole break up with my friends, I gave it to them. We used to, its hard for me to say, go on webcam to each other, and well watch each other masturbate. And I became addicted to it. Addicted to the attention that I was getting. And it spiralled out of control. I would be doing it everynight. With a different guy each time. And it got to the point where I wouldn't speak to them, just do it i guess. And as soon as I'd do it with one guy, then I'd never speak to them again, as it was someone else the next time. Then came the half ex. He went to my school. And yea I had a crush on him. And see he started talking to me. And this was at a time, when noone in school was. So as you can probably understand, that in itself meant a lot to me. And although it was only on msn that we talked, it still meant the world. And because it wasn't face to face I had confidence. Then we started off with an honest game. Truth or dare. And it did start of a nice and friendly game, until we both took risks, and started asking shall we say dirtier questions. And one day we did topless truth. Which may not sound a lot compared to the stuff I was doing with the other guys, but it was so different. Because I knew him, and he knew me, and knew my situation. And it was the first time I had truelly exposed myself to someone I knew. Not only physically but emotionally. And he invited me to his house. Which to me meant that he was accepting me. But that was the changing point for everything. See I couldn't be myself, it wasn't as easy, because it was face to face. And we sat for two hours maybe more, in near enough complete silence. Since then. Have we spoke? No. Not properly. None of us speak of the time I went round to his, or the time on webcam. Its like it never happened. So why do I call him a half ex? Because he was the first step for me. Since then, I no longer go on cam to random complete strangers. Because it didn't improve my confidence at all. Though at the time it seemed it did. But sitting with the guy i fancied soo much, and not being able to say a word to him? Thats when it clicked that the whole cam thing, had done more harm than good. So he, though he doesn't know it, was the turning point that sent me on the right path. And if it hadn't been for that, I would still be doing shameful things. Looking back on it, yeah I think it was wrong and dirty, but its stopped now. And that was because of the realisation due to the half ex. So for that I am thankful.
Clover x

New day, new attitude

Quite frankly, I think yesterday, too many problems got piled up and well I clearly needed to vent some of it out. I'm not sure if all of the things im going through are typical for a girl of my age. Not sure at all. But nothing seems easy. In an odd way, and I do not mean this as big headed or arrogant at all, but everything seems to happen to me. I have close friends who, well don't seem to be going through the things I have or am going through. I don't know its a bit off. Seems like people keep throwing situations at me to see how I cope. Like those situations are planned. ?? Just a thought. Its hard, my life at times. Sometimes, well quite a lot of the times something really bad happens. And its hard to bounce back up after it. If that makes sense. And truth is sometimes I've found it extremelly hard. Really hard. Ive considered suicide twice. But I know now, that that is not an option. Life is a game, and by doing that you are essentially saying you can't cope with the challenges that come your way, and that you are going to quit. I am not a quitter. So, I now have a new attitude for life, which is that whatever comes my way whether it be good or bad, its all part of the game, and you have to deal with it, and find ways round it or past it. Life is what you make it. Only you can solve your problems.
Clover x

Should really be getting some sleep.

Yea, I really should be getting some sleep, but ahh well. Thought I'd blog for a bit before I do. See truth is, got my results yesterday, and have not as of yet, a whole day later, recieved a congrats gift. Does that sound spoiled? Im not expecting lots, though I did drop many hints that a laptop would be nice. But I havn't got anything, not even a pair of earrings from Claire's. Or something like that. Sorry if you think that is point blank rude for me to be acting this way, but something, just a little something would have been nice. But then I guess, that is life. Love it or leave it. And another thing that has really genuinelly pissed me off, how P.B, (potential boyfriend) thinks its ok to take 20 minutes to reply to a text. And the reply I get, is barely a line long. Grrr, why can't lads be more like girls? So I'm going to bed feeling somewhat, annoyed. And probably for stupid and insufficient reasons. I know im acting spoiled and want everything to go my way. But hey, if I want to be pissed off, then so be it. After all, after everything that has been happening recently, that response is pretty minimalistic.
Clover x