Just thinking of the past. I guess the most sensible place to start from is the beginning. I used to live with my Mum, Dad and younger sister. We were I guess a family. And by family, I mean a proper family. Going out for walks on a sunday after lunch. Which we would all help to cook. Even though at the time, me and my sister didn't really know what we were doing, and used to mess up the meal. But it would never matter. We used to go out for trips. All four of us. And I at the time thought I was the luckiest girl in the world. To have two parents who not only loved their two children to bits, but loved each other. I guess because I was young, I was naiive. See at the time it seemed all buttercups and roses, but now im older, I can honestly look back at how it used to be when we were younger, and think I was stupid for what I thought. Not stupid though, I was young, I guess sheltered is a better word. The arguements never really took place when we were in the room. But thinking back now, I can see that neither of my parents were clearly happy with their marriage, but were tied by us. Who they both loved dearly. But as a kid, its not something I picked up on. Because we were sheltered. I didn't really know of anyones marriages breaking down. So always thought my parents would be together forever. But neither of them were happy, and it was my mother who decided to go elsewhere, and basically cheated on my dad. That is the reason why they split up. Though no, that was not the reason we were given. We were never actually told that my mother had cheated. But I guess I just knew. Coincidentally, not long after my parents split up she moved in with another guy. And just told us she'd met him after. Dad knew she had cheated. I could see that it wasn't just a marriage breakdown, due to lack of communication, though I guess thats how it started. But I knew that she had cheated in the end, as Dad was so upset. So so so upset. And the fact a new guy came onto the scene so quick, although I was young, I was not that stupid and could see what was going on. Do I blame her? Hate her, no. I don't like what she did. But the reason why she did it. Neither of them were happy, and I think she wanted to see if she was attracted to another guy. And found out she was. But kept it from us, because she desperately wanted to remain a family for oursakes. But then decided she was much happier with him, then told dad and left. Thats what I make of it anyway. Makes much more sense than the story we were provided with. But I don't tell my sister. I guess she doesn't need to know. She was very young, and doesn't really remember it happening. So I don't plan on telling her. So I and my sister went to go and live with my mum and the new guy. Leaving my dad alone. Not by choice. And we would visit every so often. I hated the new guy. With a passion. Not only because I felt he was to blame with the breakdown in my parents marriage but because our opinions clashed on anything. And my dad was devastated at everything that had happened. I think he knew his marriage was heading downhill, but thought, it could somehow be revived. And personally I don't think it could have been. Even if my mother hadn't done what she did, I think the love was lost, and once that happens. Its very hard to rekindle it. Fast forward to today, my mum is engaged to the new guy. My dad is remarried, and me and my sister kind of belong somewhere in the middle. Do I wish it hadn't of happened. No, because I think everyone is much happier now. Do I wish it hadn't of happened the way it happened? Yes. Because that part of it has affected me for life. I now doubt guys, and their motives. And generally, if someone loves me, I tend not to let them too close, for fear of them hurting me, and it ending so sourly, like the way it did with my parents. I get on so well, with my dads wife. She I guess is like a second mum to me. But the new guy? I think there will always be a clash of heads. But if he makes my mum happy, then I guess I'll accept it. I think though my situation is complicated its ok. It wasn't at first. And when they first told us, that was suicide consideration numero 1. But now, Im grateful for a loving family. I don't think I could ask for much more.
Clover x
